What the...

...fuck is going on in my head today? I am not sure. Can you form a sentence starting with "what the" without being a question? Or "can" for that matter? If you can someone please put it into a sentence in a comment. Only eight days left of my 11 day work stretch. Crazy. I don't think I have ever worked 11 days straight before. Yay for personal records. Though it is kind of gay. Yes I said "gay". So shoot me. I also from time to time suck on a fag. Or cigarette for you conservatives out there. Do you thirst for power? I have this feeling whenever I am interacting with people lately that everyone has there own version of power that they strive for and need to wield to consider themselves a success. Real Estate is power. Money is power. A job is power. A degree is power. Intelligence is power. A family is power. Sex is power. All those things are the main shit people strive for. Or maybe we all just want them because they are experiences. We all want to experience things I am pretty sure. Money makes it easier to experience things that is for sure. I want money.

I want to travel. I am not innovative enough to do so without money. Or maybe I am just to lazy. Or maybe I want to travel comfortably. I feel like I am in some sort of bubble right now. One that keeps me warm and not hungry. I don't lack in anything I need to survive. So I am lulled into some sort of security. I figure that whenever anyone feels secure it is a false sense of it. Because how can you have true security in the world we live in. Unless security is just a personal feeling. We are made of carbon. So we aren't ever going to die. Just deconstruct. Is security for us to be well constructed and that structure protected and nurtured? I had a big stressful, anxious thing happen this week. I can't really talk about it yet. But the whole dramatic bullshit was finally resolved today. At a personal cost. But I was on edge and all that bullshit until just a little while ago. Very reactionary and defensive. That is how I am when I am under duress and pressure. I think through all this I proved to myself I wasn't an alcoholic or anything.

I have stayed off the sauce to keep my head clear to be able to deal with all this bullshit. I needed my wits about me. Not just to deal with the situation itself. But to deal with my own emotional state and make sure I didn't head into a downward tail spin that I would be unable to pull out of. Now that I come to think of it. I don't know why I am not sharing specifics of this. I think I am getting a little more closed off and defensive as I get older. Which is probably a good thing. Though there are people I will always be open with about pretty much everything. Sometimes I wish I could put my life on pause and just be able to gather myself. With all this work and shit I feel like I have no time to regroup. I am either working here or partying with friends. I don't feel strongly enough about regrouping to sit here by myself and do it. It is hard for me to justify spending the little time I have off just wandering in my own head trying to figure if my feet are under me or over my head. Mainly because that wouldn't really be a break. Though my breaks generally exhaust me more then work does. But it is fun as all fuck. The weather is scary as all fuck today.

I was a little scared for my life coming home from work today. I felt like I was being blinded by the wind everytime I was out for a smoke. Though the snow was coming down so thick and fast, that if you stared at it long enough, you would start to hallucinate the surroundings into looking like it was crumbling. I like noticing things like that and wondering how many other people do. I am an above average observant person. I don't think it was something I consciously worked on. It was just something I got good at over the years of lying to keep my head above my personal bullshit. you have to be observant and be a chameleon to lie well and adapt to people and what they will believe. What the chinks in their armour is. But observation is useful for anything. I use it now for moreso my own personal enjoyment and the joy of learning things about people that they didn't expect you to learn. I am drinking this delicious swiss mocha hot chocolate. It is absolutely heavenly. I have drank it three nights in a row it is so good. I have cut back on drinking coffee at night so I can fall asleep better.

I am still up to five or six cups a day though. Fuck, I am so addicted to that bitter great elixir of the gods. But coffee makes everything alive in your body. It truly does. And on top of that, it tastes delicious. This blogging has really become quite the outlet for me. I do it on such a crazy regular basis. I want to print it off sometime and just compile a hard copy for myself. It would be interesting to see how thick this gets. To see how long it took me to get together like 200 pages worth of just spewing bullshit I felt at the time. Though I guess it really isn't bullshit. What I write here is pretty real. Just a little more raw then what is expressed in a general social situation. But I always figured blogging\diaries\journals were always a bit more raw. the only difference here, is someone other then me is reading it. So I shouldn't be judged for being a worse human being because of it. I am allowing people into a private place. They should realize that and acknowlege that when reading this. Knowing I am the same person whether they knew this shit or not. Though I know a lot of people don't view what they read here as negative.

But I am sure there are some idealistic hippy like love\peace kids who read this and would think I am full of "negative energy". Well fuck them. I am generally a pretty positive human being. Just with a cynical twist. Which is fine. There is plenty to feel cynical about and negative. But I also acknowlege all the great shit that is out there. Especially people. there are some superb people out there. But there also a lot of fuck heads. But I am not as affected by them since I don't surround myself and spend my time with these kind of people. So my feelings of disgust for these kind of people is generally momentary. Then I remember the sexy bitches I have for mates. At least there is a gorgeous woman in the group now. Fuck so many sausage fest gatherings. Always good to have something pretty to look at in social situations. All you people know this and agree. We do hang out with other women from time to time. But generally they can't keep up to us. We are a handful. I am not going to lie. Which is why I don't blame them. Anyways ladies and gents. Time for me to stop the onset of carpel tunnel. As much as I would like the drugs they would give me for it. Cheers!