Morning?

Well I am just waiting to head to work. Going to have to walk to the bus this morning. But it is a nice day with fluffy snow falling. It isn't that cold out. I just had my morning cigarette(s) and coffee(s). Breakfast of champions. I am becoming reclusive because of the stress going on in my family with my brothers brief incarceration. I hear there might be repercussions like Children's Aid getting involved and all that other bullshit. I talked to him for a while last night. he is the kind of guy who likes to act like there is nothing wrong. But after talking a while you could tell the stress and anxiety was looming over his head. I just wish there was something I could do to help him. I am in this weird "fuck the world" headspace where I don't want to have to deal with more then is neccasary.

I want to focus on this and sort out my mentality involving the issue. I have been avoiding people like the plague. For the first time in a long time I don't want to go to work at all. I want to be away from everything outside these walls. I think it is because I somehow feel emotionally weak. I don't like to be around other people when I am feeling weak. That means on some level you are vulnerable. Fuck vulnerability. I want to be in absolute control of my moods. I don't want things beyond my control to happen. Because there is enough of that happening. I feel that when people I love or losing control of there lives, the effect on me makes me feel like I am losing control. Right here is my only safe haven for now. But also this is something I am going to have to get used too. Because things beyond my control will happen all throughout life. Though I hate the idea with a passion.

It just makes me angry that someone can be incarcerated for kicking a cupboard. Just the fact that he was on probation means he can go to jail for it. Which made him lose his job. He has a wife and kid to support. How the fuck has the system helped that situation at all. Sure my brother has anger problems. But generally always towards inanimate objects. Which in my books is a perfectly fine non-criminal act. Am I over-reacting in being stressed out about this? Sometimes I wonder. But then again he is the one in my family that I am tied to. Him and my Mother. I also am getting this feeling lately in life that something has to change. My life needs to be shaken up so I don't get to comfortable. I need to do some of the good ol' fucking shit up that Trevor is known for. But moreso in a positive way. What I believe will hold pretty much everyone in life from being able to accomplish what they want in life is the fact that you need to have fulltime employment just to survive. Just to perpetuate your existence so it doesn't fucking suck. I want to do so many things before I become a sociatal slave.

But I feel also that I am well on my way to being that slave the rest of my life. The fact that people have careers as there dreams scares me as to what that says about what we have become as a societty. Is that the shit that truly makes us happy now? Or is it what we have been told makes us happy. You know how much money I have made for our civilization and how little I have gotten in return. This is just a "fuck you in the ass" existence. Just the short amount of time I worked in the Wal-Mart electronics department. We made hundreds of thousands of dollars. In that two months I made less then two thousand. Bullshit I tell you. A career is such a bullshit existence. yet so fucking neccasary. I didn't design this infrastructure. But I didn't choose to be born either. Yet here I am. I guess we always go through personal crisis. I think it is needed to wake us up out of our reverie. I don't want to be a drone. I don't think anyone one who has become one did. The essence that drives you to adventure and personally chaotic shenanigans slowly dies. You forget what that feels like. But you remember what you have now. Money in your pocket and a warm bed. It becomes all that matters. You forget what really living life is all about.

Now when mulling in my own head the last little while, I have realized this is something I need to avoid. I need to find that balance where I can still do the proper amount of fucking shit up but still be comfortable existing where I need to exist. That to me will be a difficult balance to achieve. A balance I think almost no one does. Artists I think have achieved that balance. They live there life by expressing ideas and make money off of it. Then they fuck with there body a lot achieving there personal chaos. Which is why most artists are fuck ups. They like putting foreign shit in there body. Just like I do. What else are you going to do with time? So I need to do something crazy soon. I will be compelled towards something before too long. As soon as I find that balance. I have faith enough in my intelligence to do so. I need some anarchy flowing through my blood as soon as possible. Part of my life is defined by it.