The Aristocrats

So I have decided to write my own version of this time honoured disturb-fest. I have heard many comedians say it very well and I have been told many times by many friends that being the vile and disgusting human being that I am, I should probably write one. I am feeling particularily creative in the realm of foul humour this morning, and a blog is always a good place to record shit you don't want to forget. I warn you the faint of heart, these next lines are not where you want to be. So here it goes.

A husband, wife, brother, sister, baby, and dog walk into a talent agency and announce "we got an act!" The talent agent looks skeptical. But it is a family troupe, so maybe they have something good. The family tells him they are ready to show him right there. The talent agent seems to have an open spot in his day so he gives the go ahead. So the family gets on stage and stands there looking skyward for a minute. Speaking in tongues and thanking Jesus for the opportunity they have to do this today. Then they get right into it. The father goes over to the baby and lights her on fire. while the baby is screaming its screams of pain, the father is lubing himself up with polysporin. it will help with the burns and the sliding into the babies asshole. The gyrations of a burn victim really turn him on. But the baby soon stops moving and grows boring. So he goes over to his daughter and notices an oozing cyst on her cunt. So he takes his teeth and tears it out. All the pus and blood starts flowing from it into her vaginal cavity, and the father starts to fuck her hard.

He fucks the shit out of her until her vagina is as dry as my Grandmother's heel. Then he eats the oozing venereal disease that resembles three year old cottage cheese out of her cunt and does it while making sounds like the cookie monster when he eats cookies. Then he turns her over to fuck her in the asshole. Only he is using chain mail as a condom due to her wart infested asshole. So he is fucking her so hard with his chain mail protected cock that these warts are ripping and tearing off so shit and blood is flowing from her asshole like the rivers of Lebanon. As he is fucking her anally he disembowels her. And rides her as she rattles and shakes in the throes of pain and death. It makes him cum harder then he has ever came before. After that he takes her over to the stage bed, ties her to all four posts with her own intestines. Prepares to fuck her again. They are always tighter when dead. But decides, even though she is dead, she probably shouldn't fuck on an empty stomach.

SO he shits in the gaping slit of her stomach where he pulled her intestines through and decided to let that just soak in for a bit. Goes over to the mother and son, the only two alive yet. But all of them are still ready for fucking. Anyways, they have been sucking fucking shitting and pissing on each other. But the father isn't impressed. He tells them every other family act in the world has done this. We got to push the limits even more. So he grabs a grapefruit spoon. You know, those spoons that are serrated on the end. He goes and gouges out his dead daughters eyes. She is still tied to the bed with her own intestines. He uses those eyeballs like anal beads and sticks them in his wifes ass. Just to get her a little comfortable for the next stage. They bring out a cross and decide to crucify their son on it. But not like Jesus. Less humane then that. If you ask me, Jesus got off easy. Anyways. The keep hammmering the nails in her limbs and then pulling them out due to them not supporting weight properly or not going in straight. finally after many pointless holes he is crucified.

They lower his feet into a toaster oven because the smell of burning flesh really gets the father and mothers rocks off. The father looks up at the scene and doesn't think it is perfect enough. So he goes and gets the dead baby. Sticks his cock in the lifeless fucks asshole and does the macorina over to the cross. Gets a huge pole spike and nails the dead baby to his sons stomach on the cross. Scenery is important in this act. The father and mother look up satisfied. Then the father throws the chain mail in the microwave that was on his cock. heats it up to scalding and puts it back on and starts fucking all of his sons exposed holes while he is hanging there. Then his wife seemed to look bored so he cuts off her fingers sticks them into her mouth and makes her chew. He goes back over to the lifeless daughter on the bed and decided to fuck her in the eye sockets which are empty due to them still being in her mothers asshole. So he skull fucks his dead daughter hard. Brain matter is leaking out the sides and shit. You have never seen a human body as exposed as this.

It is like a twisted autopsy. Doing this reminds him of his wifes anal obstructions and he goes over to her and start fisting her in the ass and the cunt. Then he realized that this was boring. Every fourteen year old boy has seen it. So he gets an egg beater and attachs razor blades to them and sticks one beater in each hole and cranks it to five. Well excrement and blood fly everywhere. It is almost like making christmas pudding. At the same time he has been pushing his dead baby back up his asshole trying to experience birth. He succeeds which sends him into a tumultuous orgasm. The mother is rattling and shaking from blood loss and trauma and most likely pure enjoyment. Then he goes back over to the dead daughter on the bed. Sits in her gaping stomach and bathes in her shit and starts eating it. Then he takes gardening sheers and removes his daughters face and wears it as his owen while jerking his cock and laughing maniacly. All of a sudden he stops in the middle of them room covered in shit, piss, blood, brain matter, eyeball fluid, and the like and sais "tada!" The talent agent exclaims "that was fucking sick! what do you call an act like that?" The father sais "The Aristocrats."

Whew. I will polish that up. It is just a rough draft in twenty minutes right after I wake up. Haha. But I definitely liked where I was going with it and it was pretty fucking vile. Once I have it polished up well I am going to add my version to youtube. Only I am quite sure mine will be more vile then any others I have seen. I am pretty sure it already is. I hope you all vomited in your breakfast this morning. Have a lovely one. Cheers!