Fucking hell

I just found out my baby brother is in hospital with an insane fever. I haven't even met him yet. I am worried. My mother has been in hospital with him over night. Apperently they have him hooked up to an IV drip. Kind of knocks the wind out of my sails for working. Seems like life wants to throw me for loops lately. But what are you going to do? I am learning to go with the flow of any and all shit that happens. I can't let it kick me down to much or it just makes life feel worse than it already is. When in reality, life is pretty great in general. Tragedy is always lurking right around the corner. You are going to deal with it. I will have to probably face my mother dying at some point. That will be a very sad day for me. It is one of the things I dread most. I also will probably have to deal with a good friends death as well. I have discovered you can't really prepare for shit like that. You just have to accept that you are going to be crushed from time to time. But that you will recover from it just like I have recovered from everything that has happened in my past.

Succumbing to a state of hopelesness will kill you more than anything and drain life out of you. So I try to avoid that feeling and maintain my control over how I react to what we percieve as negative. I think it is still kind of rediculous that we view death in such a negative sense. It is natural and will happen to us all. Yet we fear and react negatively to things we don't know. I think the idea of someone being gone "forever" blows our minds. Even when someone leaves our lives we can comprehend it better because of the knowlege that they are somewhere here on this earth and forever gone is not true. you could run into them. They might call you out of the blue. Even if they don't. They are still somewhere. Dead people are nowhere. Just their memories exist. I don't even know why I went onto the tangent of death. I guess it is because I have been faced with the idea moreso lately. Though I haven't been given a reason to think my brother is dying yet. But I have already had one die.

That was a painful period. It is a piece of history I don't want to repeat. Someone dying to early is a sad thing. Then again they were spared a lot of the pain they would feel. But also they never felt a lot of the joys the world has to offer them. As twisted as this sounds, my subcoscious reaction this is often thinking of dead baby jokes. Haha. Damn I am a fucked up kid. Death is a fascinating thing though. I have seen a lot of executions online and such. I like the limits it pushes my emotions too. Living vicariously through others I guess you could call it. I never worry about getting shot by insurgents when I walk out my door. I don't worry about suicide bombers. I live in a much more controlled society. A safer one. Well physically anyway. I think I am quite mentally controlled. I like to believe I am free. But I am not at all. The things I don't want to do or don't do are out of general fear of what I could lose.

My comforts. My job. My friends. Respect. Etc. Though there are days where you wish you could just go and fuck shit up for a while. See what happens when the least expected happens. the least expected to happen rarely does here. I am not shocked in my day to day life really. Which is amazing considering I am surrounded by countless millions of people. We are not living that differently from each other. Our dreams are the same. Our goals. We are pairing up two by two onto the social ark. Having babies and being satisfied. Very strange of us. We all have everything we need and far more. Even the most poor of people have a microwave. Which by most of the world's standards is definately a luxury. Running water. Hydro. Heat. We are rich motherfuckers. Hardly any of us are fighting to survive. We are fighting to have our excess pleasures. We all easily have enough to survive.

It is the drugs, the booze. the meaningless past times that we all work hard for. Because it all takes money and is so fucking fun. I like coke. You like your big screen TV. They are all pointless pleasures. One not worse then the other. We just have to fill our brains and body with garbage. It is a want we all pursue. Someday soon. It is all going to change. Then this pattern will be fucked up. Millions will die. We will all have lost the basic instinct to survive. I am sure in the near future we will need those instincts we have destroyed with safety measures and warning labels. Now I must go. I need to wrap my head around something other than blogging.