Nose Candy Anyone?

Ugh. What a weekend. My bones are sore and my head. But my weekend I will get too after this. I just finished reading Nic's last post in her journal. It sent my mind on a little rabbit trail. But she made a short littel entry about how I made an entry about her to feel better. Here is what she said:

"Anyway, Trevor wrote the most amazing blog post about me yesterday. He is such an awesome friend. I was upset about some stupid shit that is fucking up my life hardcore, and he decided to write nice things about me to make me feel better, and it totally did. Knowing that someone cares about you isn't enough. What really matters is that is that they care about you accurately. They know why they should care. They know the actual redeemable characteristics, rather than the surfacey ones that people can comment on within an hour of knowing you. But Trevor prides himself on understanding people. He shocks people and they just turn their brains off (people do that a lot) and don't pay attention to what he's saying. The shocking things he says are wonderful because they are an exploitation of insecurity. I like that. I like many things about Trevor, but I'm not going to post them here because I'm seeing him today and i'm going to tell him myself."

You know how people quite refer to other people knowing them better then they know themselves? I don't think I really understood that until I read this post. Though I don't know why though. She has said more insightful things about me. But I think it was just because her explaining why I am so shocking was perfect. I couldn't have worded it better. She seems to able to express who I am better then I can myself. I can't know myself as well as my dearest friend can. She can see who I am and not have to sift through as much pointless shit as I do. I have to learn everything about me and search through all the garbage stored in my sub-conscious To find out who I am and why I do what I do. So this weekend was intense. I just recently got up from like a five hour nap. Now my sleeping schedule is going to be fucked for the next week of work. But whatever. It isn't like I realy have a reguated sleeping schedule. I am always tired these days. But I am happy so tiredness doesn't bother me so much. Well I am generally happy anyway. I am actually not very happy right now. My chemicals are all fucked from all the drugs this weekend. Nic showed up after midnight on friday. After we got back to Jimmy's, Tony, Seb, Dave, Jimmy, Nic, and I did a whole bunch of coke and talked about bullshit ideas that seemd important at the time. It was a fun time. We were up until 7 in the morning. But even after that my head was buzzing like crazy. I didn't have a very good sleep. then the next day was the big party at Jimmy's. The theme was "welcome back pluto" since it has been re-instated as a planet. There were a few fuck-wads at the party last night. I was on MDMA. So I was more then happy to get the shit mixed up with these assholes. Jen came over later like after two in the morning. Jen kicks ass. But man are her friends fucking idiots. There was this one guy there who was on Dexedrine. So of course he was speedy as fuck and just talking to everyone and kind of being a little annoying. But he was harmless. He still seemed like a nice guy. Anyway. These douche bags that were there started fucking with his high and convincing him over the next hour over and over again that he was gay and a pedophile. I was completely disgusted by these idiots. Then I got into a little tiff with one of them. By the way this group of people where hippy goths. Yeah I know. I hate them too. In other words pretentious fucking Wiccans who are idealistic as shit and know fuck all about the world. But anyways. This girl was trying to tell me how evil it is to eat meat and how she can live without it and that look she is proof yadda yadda. I continued to tell her that her individually being able to doesn't mean humanity is sustainable on vegetables and fruit alone. We are to over populated and it isn't possible. Then I told her I honestly don't give a shit about the cows. It isn't natural for specias wanting to try and perpetuate the existence of another species. We should be worried about ourselves before anything else. Then I made a smart assed comment about wanting bacon wrapped steak fried in children's tears and the cunt juices of raped negro women. Haha. I got the reaction I wanted. She went on to somehow connect my meat eating with me being responsible for the shit in the middle east and that children and women are dying everywhere because of me and that I am stunting equality. Then she got pretty pissed off and said she hoped I died before the age of 25. That was just the reaction I was looking for. I went on to pick her apart by saying in extreme dripping sarcasm "You are right. How did I never see it your way before. You obviously have the strongest grasp of the idea of the sanctity of life. That part you said about the fact that you think I should die before the age of 25 has proven your solid case against me." Then her boyfriend and two of her other pretentious black clothed black made-up friends jumped in on it. They were all stupid. I was telling them how I knew there kind. Unfortunately I was engaged to someone like them who didn't have an original idea in her head and was just a loud speaking repeater of smarter people then her that she hung out with. You fucks mine as well be billboards for PETA and Tom Jones. Wiccans are rediculous idealists who aren't making one damn difference in this world. Maybe I could respect the religion if it wasn't sooo... oh how do I put this.. oh yeah... STUPID! Speaking of wiccans. That reminds me of Morgan. Since I did chems both nights of my weekend, I am fairly certain that my chemicals are quite unbalanced. As I have told you all before, since Morgan left me this last time, I never even shed one tear over it. I was just so used to getting fucked around and jerked around by her that this time just didn't do to much. But this evening on the way home on the Go bus. I started crying. Not because I miss Morgan or anything. But I just realized that I may have lost a big part of myself that was able to love. I have become hardened. I have had enough things in my life happen that has done that. I didn't want people who claimed to love me be added to that list. Now I don't think I am unable to love. I am just unable to with complete faith with the exception of Nicole. But I am talking more of a romance love. Even if I met Miss Right. Trust would be a long time coming. I don't want that to be the destruction of relationships in the future. Or I am going to be my own biggest enemy. Having heard "I love you with all my heart" from one person so many times and in the end it all being bullshit and meaningless, puts a different twist on those concepts. These concepts to me are no longer pure and beautiful. They are manipulation tactics for people to get what they want in that moment. Now I know my emotional generalization there is bullshit. Trust me I do know. That is what I hold it as right now. I don't know what all about this reminded me of Lesley. But I miss talking to her. It has been a while since I sat down and had a long good conversation with her. My back is fucked up from sharing a couch with Nic. But who cares. I slept with a cam girl, and leggy buxom beauty. I can twist that for some good in the future I am sure. All in all it was a good weekend. It is always lovely to see Jimmy. We were the only ones who would smoke with each other even though it was minus a million degrees outside. It also made me happy that he got laid. I had a great weekend seeing Nicole. But then again I wasn't expecting anything less. I wonder if this is my longest blog post yet? Somebody want to read through them all and count the lines? If anyone would Nicole would. She is sitting at work getting paid to do nothing right now and reading this. Nic! You will be living with me a while in a month! That is pretty awesome. So Jimmy, Jon, and I are so far people who are going to Cuba in a year. I am pretty fucking excited about that. I need to get the fuck off this continent. I already told my boss about it and she wholeheartedly supports me going away for a week. I knew she would. my boss loves me because I generally work whenever she needs me too. Well I am going to rap this up because I have lost interest and I realized I was sitting there typing nothing trying to remember what else I had wanted to say in this post. but really, I never get everything said that I had planned to say. I always forget some shit. And usually put it in future blog posts if I remember later. Anyways. All normal people are sleeping right now as I should be. So, fuck you everyone!!