A new month, same old idiots.

Maybe it is just me. But everyone I talk to in some way.. Well maybe with the exception of Jon. Is an emotional wreck or just in some stupid emotional phase. These phases are neccasary. I usually am understanding of them. But jesus almost everyone? People are pissy. People are reacting to me. When it isn't me who has changed. it is there moody selves. Whoever happens to be reading this, don't assume it is about you and I am generalizing to be polite. It isn't, you aren't that important you arrogant pricks. Did I just say that? I mean I love you all. People come to strange conclusions that don't make sense. I had a conversation with someone basing decisions on the past. Now don't get me wrong that can be a good idea. Tat is if my past is an accurate reflection of who I am today. If it has maintained it's relevence. But people aren't that logical. They have this stupid mentality of "it happened so it will again" or "it has become cheapened". Stupid I know. The past is the past. Whatever. It doesn't hold as much water as everyone seems to think. the only time the past does affect us that much is when every fucking one around you reminds you of it and doesn't let you move on. Which is the case usually when I am around people. I don't even feel that I am putting this clearly because I recently got into a bad mood. Which is rare for me lately. I get into sad moods sometimes. But bad moods? Rarely. But I am not taking it out on people. I am taking it out on my blog. Because ol' Bloggy here has it coming. For touching me when I don't want to be touched. Some nights I DO have a headache. That last line reminded me of how much we want to fulfill roles people expect us to be in. When I went through a lot of personal "change". I was happier. Not as vindictive or judging trying not to be an asshole to everyone. Even when I am in these moods. Hell I started off mad but I am throwing in light hearted lines. But they are ingeniune. I don't feel light hearted. Or in a joking mood. I am doing that to make you all feel better. So you can handle what I am feeling. The heavy from me is to heavy for you. Or so my brain tells me. Don't want to bring back any memories of old me. Jesus the longer life gets the more aware I become of how people could react to what I say or do. I don't really know if that is good. Do you lose yourself in all this. Do I only think my change has been good because that is what everyone projects onto me in my current state of life? How the fuck am I supposed to know any of this shit. How are you supposed to be anything in life but conflicted as all hell? How do I know that my happiness isn'tr some synthetic garbage because I am to pussy to be who I really am. Or is this who I am? Or is who I am constantly changing so I will never know? Or does your true self get so buried and repressed by the world around you that only the truly enlightened ever know themselves? Fuck. So many questions and no answers. Was I fucking up? Am I fucking up? Will I fuck up? Or is everything exactly how it should be. Who exactly defined what was right and wrong for me anyway? It sure wasn't me. Who made these rules that define us as good or evil? Who made such a black and white fucking rules in a very non-extreme spectrums universe? I don't know. Do we do all this to live easily with those around us? Or do we actually fulfill some purpose of grandeur. Pfff. After ranting that all out. I don't think it really matters. I don't think who I am matters. Or where I am. Or where I will be. What happens when I die. What will happen when I live. Maybe they are just distractions created by this system to keep us inoperable and confused. We are living in a man made environment that is for sure. We have created where we are. But we don't even understand our own creationh. And yet we expect God to know all and be perfect. Just because he may have created this. Bullshit.