Codeon

Those days where your sanity just feels defeated. What do you do? Go back to bed? I am not saying this is me. Because I am more sane then I have ever been. At least in my actions and how my life reflects who I am. I am still just as fucked in the brain if not more. But I am a bit more subtle with my fucked-upedness. I kind of am empathetic towards my friend Will at the moment. I am sure he is going through a rough time right now. The thing is, I don't think I can be of any help because I feel like I am being scrutinized because of his fear that I am fucking Nicole. I am not offended by any means. It just makes it hard for me to be his friend. Which I do want to be. I have been through a couple of hard break ups. I remember needing someone to relate to me at times. Or just to pity me. Like I got a shitload of people telling me I was fine etc. I was going to be fine. But sometimes you just want 100% pitty just to make you feel better. Have that feeling of an empathetic connection. Drama drama drama drama. I avoid it like the plague now. It is amazing how much less dramatic my life got just by having one single person out of my life. People are sometimes magnets towards it and I have no idea why. I don't remember the last time I cried. Or yelled at someone. Or any of that shit. It has been quite a long time. I think it has been since that day I found out Morgan cheated on me with Jon. No wait. It has been since I watched "I Am Sam" the other day. That movie makes me cry everytime. I love it. Nicole is coming here today. One more night of me not having my own bed. My Dad is leaving today. So Nicole won't get to meet him. But since I am letting her have my bed, I will have to hold off one more days. Which is alright by me. I don't mind letting her use my room. I mind my douche bag father using it. My left arm doesn't feel like it is getting proper blood flow lately. It is constantly tingling and I always feel like I am sitting on it. It makes it pretty hard to sleep. Tempted to go to the Doc's to go get it checked out. Since it is my left arm it kind of makes me worry about my heart. I do have serious heart issues on both sides of my family. But at the same time I don't really care. I don't spend a lot of my emotional energy worrying about my physical health. It will errode and decay no matter what I do. So I won't live my life avoiding it. Though I may be of a different opinion when I am lying in a hospital bed straining for every last breath due to lung cancer. But I figure it is the same for everyone. When you hit your death bed, no matter who you are you wished you had done something else with your life. The curse of being saelf aware of our existence. We will always know what we didn't do which would have improved the quality of our life. Well so we assume. But I think we are probably all knowing when we are about to die. Because why accept we don't know anything in the last second? I know a lot of people even though not religious during their life, become religious as they die. This is due to all the chemicals dumped on the cerebrum as you pass. I hope I don't. I think I am knowlegeable enough about what happens when you die to not think i am seeing God when I get really high from my own chemicals as I die. The idea of a God that cares about all my little actions and words is just fucking stupid. If there is even a God. He doesn't give a shit about me saying fuck or betting money in a certain building or how many times I can whip my slave. This "God" we have been shown is so obviously man-made. It is sickeningly obvious. Because God cares about what imperfect fallible men care about. Stupid bullshit that doesn't matter. And in my mind, a real God would care about what matters. I am going to be spending most of my life voicing the stupidity of religion. All of it. Not just Christianity. It is all equally fucking retarded. Just christianity is the most powerful so it is the one to go for first. It is also the one that pisses me off the most due to my upbringing. With Wiccan coming in second. Mostly because every Wiccan I have met is an idiot stupid hippy and is naive as hell and knows fuck all about real life. Or they are just little scene kids who don't understand anything. What makes me happy is that there are tons of people like me. They are growing everyday. I am hoping someday that I will be the majority and the religious nuts will be viewed just as that. Nuts. Because I already do think they are fucking crazy. Gods Goddesses Power in this and that. Stupid man made symbols somehow having power. Soo fucking stupid. March against religion kids. It is man's crutch because they are insecure with there own "imperfections". What I don't understand most about being Wiccan. Isd that they believe they are empowering themselves. But by having faith in an abstract power that doesn't exist. They are taking away the power of who they are. Because your real power is yourself. You should not need to define it through bullshit tales. I think this is my rant for today. I hope you all are doing lovely. I am. I am in a very yellow mood. I bet you all didn't know that the colours represent the mood I am in.