Ugh. I hate green moods.

I know I promised this post would be happier. But in order to express myself better I am starting off with how I am really feeling then try and change into happy thoughts. Use writing in my blog as a way to start thinking more positively. I figure if I write it, maybe I will feel it. The power of suggestion is incredible after all. I have this really deflated feeling since last night. I hate that feeling. it makes you not want to do anything or talk to people. Just the world in general disappoints you. I know, I know. That shouldn't be shocking. It isn't. It is just still... Well it just sucks. No matter how life-wise you get. No matter how much you know the world sucks. Doesn't mean that knowing the fact makes it better. Though it should. Figuring out steps to mental preperation for the worst is probably a neccasary accomplishment in this life. Since the worst rarely happens, you would always be prepared. Like come on. What is the worst thing that could happen to me today? Death is always the first thing to jump into my head. But there are worse things then death. I am such a pussified North American, that I don't even know how bad it can really get. I cannot for the life of me think of the worst that could happen to me. In our culture we have answers like, "the worst that could happen is my wife leaving me". There are people who would be greatful as all hell for that to be the worst to happen to them. This is why love is rediculous. It blinds us to real need and real problems. We remain ignorant of what has to be done. We do stupid things in the name of it. We react to it. Ultimately we will probably die from it. I am drinking lots of coffee and smoking a lot in the hopes that it will get rid of my overall feeling of dejectedness, deflatedness, and disappointment. Such soul sucking feelings. I found out today that my mom found my blog. So I was at first frantically reading it to see what she would know. Then after a bit I slowed down and realized that I was being rediculous. I decided that it should not affect this and I should not edit it. It should also not affect what I write now. In fact this I decided is a great medium for my parents to discover a part of me that they don't know. Since I can't be this around them. Being a bad influence on the kids and such with my whole "fuck God and religion" approach to life. It is a crutch. One that is trying to be forced under every arm on this earth. We all have our Gods. All of us. Cigarettes are mine. I give them supplication everyday. I spend quality time with it everyday. I have read a lot about it. I am willing to give up my life for them. Oh and I try and force them on everyone around me. So yes, definately just like religion. But the difference is, that at lease my religion will help with over population issues. My religion realizes that sustaining life is pointless, that living life to the fullest is more important. Though I do have doubts as to whether I am living my life to the fullest or not. Well I know I am not. I am still in Canada after all. To travel will be amazing. To have great sex will be amazing as well. I think Chuck said it best in his book Choke. "The best meal will never be as good as the worst orgasm." Which is so true. Well I don't know where I am going with this anymore. I know it wasn't as fluffy and rainbowy as promised. But perhaps maybe a little enlightening. Just remember. Nothing matters and everything is bullshit. Like a roller coaster. It is fun to ride for a while, but the pointless-ness of it wears on you after a while. Cheers mates!