I broke a nail.

So last night I re-dyed my hair. I completely bleached it at the roots. It is part of an ongoing experiment that I decided to do yesterday. Every three months I am going to dye an inch of my roots. I am going to use that to measure how fast my hair grows. Average it out over the next year. I figure it would be interesting to know. Then I can also calculate how long it will be in three or four years time. I can figure out how many millimeters a day it grows. How many inches a month. How many a year. How many in my life etc. Then it is another useless fact about myself I can bring up in random conversation. Plus I like to know weird things about my body that many people will never know. I have closing shift today at work. But since it is sunday, I only work until six which is nice. I tried to imagine what negative energy is today. I can't picture it in my mind since energy is all around us. But apperently black holes are negative energy. So I can only picture a sucking void. While on the balcony smoking while all drunk last night. I envisioned the end of the world. I picture it as darkened sky from all the soot from us burning everything to keep warm from a new ice age. I picture is fertilizing fields with human remains. I picture chaos. It is a bittersweet thing to think about. I think if I am alive for it, it will teach me lessons that only the few of us lucky enough to live in that time would learn. Also I wonder if my survival drive will be stronger because all of a sudden I would have to use it when I had really not had to before. That state could turn us all into murderers. All for a slice of bread. The ability to accumulate wealth I would hope is destroyed. For the first time in a long time, all of humanity would be on the same playing field. Because we would all want the same thing. The need to survive. I am infinitely in love. When I say infinite. I mean I see no end. I see no resolution. I just see life. But it is life. I appreciate it through all personal pain. I love life even those times when you just want to be sixteen again and shamelessly cry yourself to sleep. But when you are my age. You cherish your strength. You don't not cry out of shame because of what others think. It is to preserve how you feel about your own strength. Realizing that there are worse things in the world and that life is good. Just because things don't always happen your way doesn't mean that you should go around sad faced and downtrodden. I smile through it all and try to enjoy what I do and can have. Just like everyone else. Trying to carve out my own corner of happiness. Somedays I feel I have lost things permanently that would make me happy. But loss is something suffered all through life. You have to know that it will happen again and again. You have to realize that you can handle whatever you decide you can handle. Letting hopelessness overtake you is when life goes downhill. Chin up everyone! Really. Smile in the face of personal adversity. Maybe go get fucked up for the weekend. I know I love to fuck with my brain every now and then. It is good for a personal therapy session. Surface all those inhibitions that are buried for so long. Make your self-consciousness more vibrant and let it hit you like a big truck. Wrestle with who you are and where you are going. In the end you will always realize our existence has no purpose. But you need to also realize that you should not need a purpose to define your lifee. The point of life is living. If you are reading this you are doing that. We are just a random assortment of electrons and atoms who happen to have gotten self awareness in the deal. Life is life is life is life. I am not idealistic about anything in this world. Ideals to me are naivete. We are all doing exactly what we are supposed to do. Changing a world will not do the world any good. It will just be something fresh and new. No matter how many revolutionaries we have had in this world, humanity has continued down the same path it has always been going on. The path of self destruction. You won't change that. Neither will I. Nor will I die trying, or live trying. I don't need to try and crteate good in this world. It is already here. I would rather appreciate the good we have then try and assimilate all the bad in the world into good. Because if everything was to be good, how would we be able to appreciate it? We need the balance in the universe. We need both sides of this spectrum. I have needed a broken heart. Just so I can fully know what a healed one means. I have needed to be sick to appreciate my health. I would need to be blind to completely appreciate my sight.