^^ Look Up ^^

Good morning folks. I have a long day at work today. But it will reflect well on the future paycheck. Ten hours today. For some reason I don't want to be doing this today. But I force myself to do things I don't want to do. I figure it builds character. At least that is what my Mother always told me. I guess I am a character. So I think she was right. I had an intense discussion with my Grandmother last night. I was pretty drunk. I found out some bullshit about my family and my Father that I would have never known if she hadn't told me. Big bullshit. I don't think I should write about it here. But what I know makes me pissed that I was ever judged by him. Knowing his failures and his laziness and how he used and abused people and has used his religion as a skirt to hide behind and financial netting. When you have a fuckload of kisds and can't afford food, of course the church feels obligated to pass the offering plate around for you.

If I ever got fucked up and so lazy that I didn't provide for my children, I would be fucked because I don't suck on the tit of an idea of an entity that brings people together who think they are the righteous of the world. They are here to lead the sinners home to grace and salvation. Jesus it doesn't get much more arrogant then a religious idealist. Because they dont have an idea of why we are here and what are purpose is. Oh no. They KNOW. Because GOD has shown them. Has revealed himself to them. I am not sure what I am supposed to do with the knowledge I have right now. Whether I should just let lies be lies, because sometimes they have a purpose and need to exist. But also I want to know a few things and I relish the idea of confrontation with the man. Though my intentions may not be pure, whose is? If you had a pedastal to stand on over the person who was a power hungry controlling asshole, wouldn't you do it? Haha. If the answer is no, don't tell me. I need to believe that my sins are the same as everyone elses. I had a dream about Lesley last night.

So I was thinking of her today when I woke up. I miss her, Been a while since I have had a good conversation with her. But she is in school and is leading the busy University girl life. Which is good. At least it is doing something with your life. I had a half drunken conversation with Jaime last night. Talked about changes of dreams and future possibilities and all the other things a boyfriend talks with a girlfriend about. The pictures of Jaime and I and the horse and all that shit turned out well. Jaime told me last night she won't let me ride her young horses because I would give them bad habits. I think she is afraid I might get them to start smoking. Hee hee. I would never do such a thing. I would just teach them to buck off jews. I have been reading William S. Burroughs Jr. lately. He is quite a good writer. Writes a lot about speed addiction and the desperation and destruction of ego that comes with it. He died very young. In his thirties from liver failure. I think he cleaned up from speed and became an alcoholic. I reccomend the two of his books I have read thus far.

Speed, and Kentucky Ham. Speed is about being young in New York doing a lot of drugs. Mostly shooting up and shit. Kentucky Ham is about him being in rehab. His father was friends with the poet Allen Ginsberg. He bailed the boy out of jail a couple times and put him in rehab. He led an interesting destructive lifestyle. I have been living vicariously through his words for a week or so now and have been enjoying it. Time for me to get in a bit of poker before work. See if I can clean some folks out. I hope you all have a lovely day. Cheers!