Fuck me..

I am up late this morning. I feel like a train has crossed paths with me and somehow I got in the way of it. I got hardly any sleep last night. I was in mind numbing pain for most of it. My stomach had the worst cramps I had ever had. It felt like my intestines had had quick dry cement poured into them. I have a long shift today. I am looking forward to todays shift, less then any other shift I have worked there. It seriously was a very painful night. I never have stomach problems so I didn't even know if I had drugs in the house to deal with the pain. So I just did it the old fashioned way. Drug fucking free. Soooo much of the evening I spent curled into a ball sweating because of how very painful it was. I tried to drink some water and it didn't help. I don't even feel like I can drink coffee this morning. So I am not doing it. But at the same time I am exhausted and needed it. My brain still gets these patches of snow. You. Like what you get on your T.V. sometimes. That happens in my brain with my stomach hurting this much. I really hope it doesn't get in the way of me doing my job.

Maybe I am getting my period. I haven't been spotting or anything though. I somehow doubt women's cramps are this bad though. Or maybe that is what I am saying to justify my insensitivity towards their bleeding cunts. I wasn't even going to write this morning. I didn't feel I gave myself enough time to do it. But I decided this might take my mind off my uncomfortable state of existence right now. It is semi-working. But trust me. I am still in pain. I am sure I look weird right now. Half hunched over in the chair with an intense grimace on my face and loud gasps every now and then. I don't like when my body revolts against me. I am happy it doesn't happen often. I hope I don't have a stomach ulcer from all the caffeine I drink. I almost even felt the need to call my Mom last night. She always knew how to make me feel better when I was growing up. he used to do this thing where she would gently blow under my ear when I had a temperature or something and it would make me fall asleep. There is something to admire about Mother's. What can I say.

The woman raised me. So she knows me. Kind of. She probably sees through some of the bullshit I feed her because I don't think she can handle all the details of my life. I don't think most parents can. What a rediculous relationship that one is. Remind me to go get fixed soon. I don't want kids. I got to make sure I can do away with the ability while I am still clear headed and smart and don't have some doughy eyed brown haired woman to talk me into how a child with her would be such a perfect beautiful union. Got to nip that in the bud. Tomorrow I am leaving home for a few days. Summerfolk starts on Friday. Thursday I am getting dropped off in Chatsworth at Jaime's house. I want to see where she lives and meet her family. I don't know whether I am staying the night or going into Owen Sound that night. Haven't really talked about the details yet. Probably should. Because I do need to get back into Owen Sound. But I could always hitch hike. I just have a whole bunch of shit with me is all. I wonder how strange this day is going to start for me.

I am not starting with cigarettes. I am not starting with coffee. I am not starting with metal. The three elements that have always been important to starting my day. I even skipped the customary showr today. Standing hurts too much. It is going to be fun standing at work all day today. I am so adament against calling in sick. Especially now with how short staffed we are. But if it gets terrible today. Like I am unable to function. It will have to happen. I don't really want to be typing anymore. I don't know why. I hope you all have a better day then I am thus far. I also hope you had a better sleep. Cheers!