Phantom Love.

Good morning my lovelies. Boy am I still very tired. I was up late but I just get up in the morning out of habit. I am turning into a middle aged man in my habits. Minus all the things that make me not. Like my age. One thing I want to talk about in this post is why I left Morgan. Not really for the purpose of sharing it with you all. But this is also kind of my way to talk it out in my head. To write it out and try to make it intelligable. If it makes sense to you guys then maybe I figure I have analyzed my feelings reagarding this well enough. I like to hammer out the reasons I do the things I do. Obviously one of the main reasons was that I just could not trust her anymore. Even if she was telling the truth or had changed. I would not be able to believe it and therefore would have been a negative aspect on her change. But I am in very much doubt of that being the case. Also I felt like I was getting into it for the simpleness of it all.

She shows up at my door. We hang out a bit, we are kissing and then in no time we are telling each other how much we love each other. There is no newness anymore. None of the little insecurities you get from something brand new. You know all the questions and second guessing you do in a new relationship. For example "Should I kiss her now?" Is it to public?" Little things. Not knowing the other persons comfort zones in even the smallest detail. I want to get to know those in someone. I want spark and vitality in a relationship. I didn't want to flog a dead one anymore. Emotionally tiring and quite frankly just a waste of time. Morgan has to much ruined my perception of her for it to have worked. I came to that conclusion pretty quickly. But another huge, HUGE reason. Is because I hold a strong interest in someone else that I care immensely for. (relax Nicole. It isn't you) When I was with Morgan I realized I wasn't being faithful to how I feel just because what can be percieved as love inside a moment was easy to grasp.

But also cheap. I felt like I was just leaving in the dust what I truly felt elsewhere. Justifying it to myself by saying it will probably never happen. But I have decided to fuck that attitude. I am an intelligent, good looking human being. I think I have good chances of getting whatever I put my mind to. Plus the feelings this person evokes from me are incredible. Because they are new. Because they are self-conscious. Because they take me out of my comfort zone. Morgan was just in my comfort zone. If anything my change in life has been breaking those bounds of comfort to some degree. Make life a constant change so I can be constantly stimulated. Plus something I feel so strongly about, I felt I was betraying by being back with her in the name of simplicity. I didn't love her anymore. She just felt good. She was the monkey I couldn't get off my back until now. Boy do I feel a hundred times lighter as a result. What I feel about this other person has to be played smart. Timing has to be right if ever.

Since love is generally a bullshit word with bullshit connotations, I am trying to avoid using it for describing how I feel about this young woman. Too abstract for my liking. But it is a person who never makes me feel shitty. I am generally always in a good mood when talking to her. Even if I was in a terrible mood when I started talking to her. I can be sucked in for hours in conversation with her. Though sometimes it is hard to get anything personal out of her. Fuck, I love that challenge. I like the newness of getting close to another human being. She is positive re-enforcement. Even if she isn't trying. Pretty fucked up. Because not many people have had that affect on me. One of those people you want to write love e-mails to all the time but avoid because wearing your heart on your sleeve I have learned is a bad idea. I think I did it to much in my lifetime. I am a sensitive boy. Even though I can be a tough no nonsense prick. When I get hurt, I really hurt. But I have also gotten good at hiding it.

When this little lady got a boyfriend. Haha. I wish I could have video taped my whole countenance crash down. I must have looked like a starving Ethiopian kid who just had a piece of bread yanked from his hands before it reached his mouth. But I was good at not letting that feeling bleed over onto other things. People say holding things inside is bad. I disagree. They can be very good. You can't burden the world with your problems. Especially if it complicates someone elses life. You got to exercise discretion, patience, and timing. I know it sounds like a game. I will tell you why. Everything is. Love is controllable like anything else. Everyone has the power to make someone fall in love with them. You have the power to make anyone fall in love with you. Really you do. But just do it right. Not wrong. There is a fine line between manipulation, and just directing things your way a little bit.

Because if a woman feels manipulated she will often run in the other direction as she should. But also everyone has to be aware that everyone manipulates. It doesn't make them a write-off as a human being. So send me positive energy vibes everyone. I want to stay on top of my game and in control of my actions here. If I could spell manueovering I would have made a sentence with it. So I have sent out my personal invites to all the people I want to come to my little friends gathering for Easter dinner. Only two people left to invite. I doubt either of them can make it. But my ideal crew for my friends Easter dinner would have been Jimmy, Dave, Mike, Nicole, Lesley, and Jon. The latter two I doubt will make it. But I can always hope. Oh and Kayla. Haven't known her for very long. But I know pretty quickly if I am going to connect with and like another person. She fucking kicks ass. I got to stop making such short blog posts. Maybe put some content into them or something. I am so sorry guys for not giving enough attention to this. I bet you that only took you like one minute to read. I will do better next time. Well to everyone out there I mentioned in this blog. I love you like you were my own. And one of you in that special little way where my penis gets an erection. Aww shucks. I am just trying to make light of the fact that you give me butterflies in my stomach. Spring is here and it makes me happy no matter what is going down in my life. I am smiling right now in anticipation of my next cup of coffee and cigarette out on the balcony. Cheers folks!