Stress...

I have had a lot of it lately. My father's presence is wearing and tearing at me and I am generally a lot more angry as of late. If I can't have my Father's love, how am i supposed to ever win someone's heart? This is someone biologically inclined to love me, and he doesn't even. Why do I even care that I don't feel he does. Why should it matter to me? Because I am biologically programmed too I guess. I feel as angry and dark as I did a year ago. I am being judged at every turn and his perception of me being evil reflects into me and makes me believe that shit. I don't know why he can have such power over me. It makes me wonder if I can ever recover from those childhood memories. Things I have tried to block my whole life. But when they manifest themselves, it makes me realize that I have never dealt with these issues. It just makes me feel more lonely. Even moreso then valentines day being spent by yourself. My Grandma was a sweetheart to me though. She is seeing in my eyes what most aren't. She has had my back throughout all of this. Which is good. It is hard to not have that single someone to turn to in rough times like these. I am generally fine with it. But when hard times like these hit, you feel incomplete without someone who loves you in a way no one else does. I am just as programmed as the rest of the world in needing to define myself through love. Though at times I am convinced that I am not. I feel empty and dead. Last night after my confrontation with my father, I got really drunk. It didn't help things, it just made me feel more alone. I just wanted to sit in front of the TV and watch I Am Sam. It is soooo sad. I just wanted to cry over the movie with someone. Be warm in someones arms. Cheesy I know. But who wouldn't enjoy that? Everyone who is reading this I am sure would. I got I am Sam the other day. I watched it by myself and it made me cry like it always does. Such a great movie. I have been weepy a lot lately. This environment is really tough for me. Nicole would think I am being weak. But I argued that today with her. It has just been an outlet. One needed or else I would explode in other far more detrimental ways. I feel like I am 15 again trapped in my father's house. Caught up in his negativity towards everything that is not "godly". Which to him I am the poster child for. Two blog posts in one day? Must be a lot on my mind. It came to me suddenly the need to release this. I think it was the start of ranting to Lesley. Then I realized I shouldn't be laying this on her. it can make people feel awkward and not know what to say. This way people can know how I feel without the pressure to have to respond in what they would feel would be sensitive or helpful. Even though it isn't what I am looking for, people automatically feel the need to console. This situation made me glad I got away from that whole area and moved here. I need that escape more then i thought. It has chased me down here in more ways then one. Who would have known Morgan would have ended up here and was a detriment to my life? Then my Father? That is crazy! He has never stayed with my Grandma this long before ever. Seems like it is my luck that it would happen after I made my home here. Sometimes I just want to disappear to where no one knows me. To where negative aspects of my life can't dog and chase me all the time. Let me build my life without it being hampered by drama I want no part of. The thing that also really bothers me about all this. is that my Mother's perceptions of me are going to be mostly coming from my Dad. i love my Mother dearly. She loves me to. But I know she will have some of the same feelings towards me as my Father does. The whole evengelical movement of wives being submissive to there husbands makes them very manipulable by the head figure of the house. It seems sometimes that my whole family at times is looking at me in pity. Which really sucks. Because I don't need to be pitied. I am not going to hell. I am not breaking god's law. Me saying "fuck" does not make me an evil person. But they believe all that. That is something you can't fight no matter how hard you try. Ignorance and naivete is something that you will lose against more then intelligence and awareness. Which is very scary. Ugh, I want to curl up somewhere and go sleep forever.