A day off is a lovely thing. Though that isn't to important to what I have to write here. To be candid or vague is a struggle I have everytime I write in here. A lot is happening in my life right now. Which I guess by all means is good. Keeps me on my toes and cautious. What I am afraid of, I don't know. But I am afraid. I have grown more timid and withdrawn which is unlike me. I don't know if I like or dislike it yet. I didn't sleep too well last night. But when I did get to sleep I had some crazy vivid dreams. This one dream was just me sitting tied to a chair absolutely terrified with a gun in my mouth. There was sooo much detail. It was a Colt 45. It was black. The safety was off and I was being screamed at. I didn't understand what was being said. I couldn't communicate with my aggressor. Which was even more terrifying. Then I heard the gun shoot and I felt it go slow motion through the back of my throat and through my spine out my neck. Then I woke up. I think it may have been the craziest dream I have ever had. It still jars me when I think about it. I had a really long conversation last night. A candid one. Speaking of candid or timid. I was tipsy from some delicious wine I had. I could go on and on about it. But I already did that last night. What do you do when you meet someone that jars your head in a way you are unfamiliar with? How do you express something you have never had to express before? It is difficult to use our language in a way that connects others to your head. Maybe that is only me because I feel my head space is so strange. Or maybe everyone thinks that. I don't know. I have never been in someone elses head. I am conflicted. But at the same time very sure. I am all shakey from this feeling. Restless and wide awake. Tired and full of energy. Sad and very happy. Empathetic and apathetic. Crazy and sane. Withdrawn and open. I am feeling a miriad emotions. I am like a school girl on an overdose of estrogen pills while going through menopause, while on my period and while pregnant. Well. That is impossible. But I think you get what I am saying. Maybe. I don't even know if I get what I am saying. I guess I seem kind of incoherent right now. But I feel very coherent. My senses are awake and attuned. Usually that means my mind is as well. I am super-sensitive to sound and touch and smell. A product of having just woken up. But all in all. In the end I am still me. Still Trevor. Just mixed up a little differently with a dose of who-knows-what, and a dash of who-gives-a-fuck. I guess with that. I will leave you all to do something more productive.
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