Something Used

I have to work in an hour. I work so much now it isn't even funny. I was talking to Nicole today. She was telling me how she knew when I got a job I was happy at I would turn into a workaholic. Because like everything in life I do it in excess because I tend to be an extremist in what I do. This just happens to be a more socially acceptable thing to do in excess. So I don't really get flack for it. I still make time for myself. I usually have one day off a week which is Saturday. So I always head down to Toronto friday after work and have fun there until the next day where I come home and recover in time for work on Sunday. Morgan left a duffle bag here that doesn't belong to her and her friend was getting angry at her for not bringing it back. So she was calling me wanting me to bring it to her. But I wouldn't do it. A. Because I didn't believe the urgency in it. I am pretty sure it is just a good excuse for her to want to see me. The one time when I hung up after telling her I didn't want to see her she was crying. I kind of felt bad because pretty much all my anger is gone at this point. I slept on it a bit. I told her if she wanted it she could come and get it but to call first so I can make sure not to be here. She was telling me something about not being able to afford it and she might be homeless soon. I don't know if I believed it because I take a lot of what she sais to me as a sob story because that is how she used to make me feel guilty whenever I confronted her about doubts towards her faithfulness. Which ended up being true. But at this point the hate has died off and I feel pretty detached from it all. But at the same time if she is financially struggling and doesn't know where she is going to live and needs this bag back because it is pissing people off, I figure I mine as well bring it in to Toronto and give it to her. I am going there anyway. I know I probably shouldn't be seeing her. But she seems to need it and she needs this bag. Even if she doesn't really need this bag all that much and wants to see me. I am not going to deny her it for the sake of hoping it will hurt her. Anger is exhausting. But also liberating. What I got out was absolutely neccasary for me to do. Expressing myself keeps me in check to reality. I know people have read this blog and been disgusted with me. But the people who know me best and who know about this situation more then the casual reader understand it completely. Sure I was an asshole. But I was betrayed. That hurts a lot. and when I am hurt in that way I guess I express it with anger. Not like I have had practice in dealing with this before. I have never had too. This is not an apology for what I have said in my journal. A. It is my Journal. B. I felt and meant everything that I had said at the time. Sure feelings change but that doesn't invalidate what I was feeling then. Because it was real. This whole thing has caused a big division in who I would at one point call friends. But really. That didn't matter to me so much. My friends back in Owen Sound I am no longer at the same point in life as they are. There are people there who i will still love to see of course. Like Rob S. Because I will always love that man. Tunga as well. Fuck pretty much everyone else. Not that I dislike them. I don't feel the awkwardness that may be there is worth really wanting to see them. I have surrounded myself with new and old amazing friends up here. Which made me realize how non-stimulating the people I used to hang out with where. The stoner drunk mentality is a plague up there. A few I love that quality in. But Most I don't. It is a pretentious scene that I was trapped in because I knew little else. I had lived there my whole life. I was comfortable and therefore thought it was the only and best place I could be. I don't know who all reads this. But I have been told by people here and there that it is read by people back home. If you are reading this, I want you to know this is not meant as any crack at you. I am sure you have impacted my life in positive ways. But the relationship is now obsolete. Not neccasary and not wanted. You remind me of something dark and unwanted. Especially in myself. You people no longer know who I am. But you will think you do just because you keep up to date on my blog or hear from others. Morgan accused me of slandering her. I never lied about what she did or how she treated me. I know for a fact she has lied about me a lot. I read a lot of her discourse with others in her e-mail. It was full of lies. I am sure you all have heard some of them. Of course there will be some truth. But you will never know which is which because you don't talk to me. But I am ok with you all thinking whatever you may or may not think. Good or bad. Doesn't matter. Because someday that will all be completely behind me including all of you. If I am not already there. But on the same note. I try not to be an absolutist. Never meaning never is such an enclosing way to put things. Makes you feel like you have to live up to what you say. But there also may be a point someday in the future where it will be important to me to seek all of you out again. You never know. Also I don't want to make it so you people can't contact me in someway if you feel you need to. But this is how I feel at this time. But as everyone knows. The world, including my personal one can change so very drastically from day to day. Which is what makes life so damn exciting and harrowing. Consistency in human emotion and action to this day I am convinced is just an elaborate act put on by people to fit into the molding of society. Or I could believe that I am just more fucked up then the rest of you. Speaking of routine. Time for me to shower and work.