My family was up a couple Sundays ago because my Father was singing at my Grandmother's church. I didn't join. It isn't like church with my family is full of good memories that I want to experience again. Anyways, my sister Faith left her bible there. The church didn't find it until this week. So a couple days ago I went to pick it up for her. My sister Faith is the one closest to my sister Tanya. They have really been even moreso together since the tragedy happened to Tanya. Anyways, there was a little page sticking out of her bible like a bookmark. So I was curious about which part of the bible she was reading and opened it to there. That page ended up being a prayer list. Right at the top of the list it said. "Tanya. She is slipping away..." I broke down. I have tried to maintain my composer throughout all this because I still have to work and focus on maintaining my life. Also part of the reason I haven't really gone to Toronto and all that. Just continuous exhaustion from trying to maintain focus.

But this tripped something in me knowing that the person who knows her best, thinks she is losing her. I get home and I called her. She picks up the phone and in the tiniest voice sais "hello." It just crushed me even more. She seemed more listless then those homeless crack heads I see all over Toronto. Huge difference from the girls who was full of life not too long ago. I just don't know what to do at this point. I have this overwhelming feeling something bad is going to happen. I also think the Christian counselling my parents talked her into going to is useless. They don't even help you deal with what happened to her. Just tell her to rely on that invisible father figure in the sky. Pisses me off that people can't be religious, have common sense, and sensitivity. I need a beer.

Cigarettes are the only relationship that makes sense to me.

I had a pretty fucked up dream experience last night. But also kind of hilarious in hindsight. I was having a nightmare which I very very rarely do. And I was dreaming that I was pinned down on my stomach on my bed and couldn't move as much as I tried. And I think I thought I was going to be killed. Then I wake up from the dream and I still feel pressure on my back like someone is holding me down. So I freak out and push up with all my might. All I hear is this weird scream and a thud. I go and quickly switch on my light. It was my cat! I guess she had climbed up on my bed and fell asleep on my back. So when I jumped up quickly, I threw her off the bed and she of course was the scream I heard. Haha. Scared the piss right out of me. But it is a pretty funny story to tell.

It would seem that if you ever fuck someone, the simplest things become complicated. I guess it is why I have a pattern of washing my hands of all of it. My priorities are extremely different now. This post is very short, but already fragmented. So I think I should end it before it makes less sense.

Since all this family shit has gone down, it has affected me in a way I have never been affected before. I don't really want to go out and do anything. I didn't go to Toronto this weekend even though I am off today. That pretty much never happens. I feel guilty if I have fun. Fuck I haven't even been able to masturbate in a couple weeks. Trust me. That never happens normally. But all you people that I love, it is nothing against you if I haven't seen you in a bit. Fuck. I haven't even met Ender Dowdall yet. And to top it all off, Detroit won last night. It just isn't in the stars for me right now. My horoscope said I would meet someone new today. Does the internet count?

My latest addiction. I have been slowly weening myself off of caffeine as of late. I still drink a cup or two in the morning. But generally none beyond that. I have discovered how much more energy I have when I am fully hydrated. So I just bring a Gatorade with me to work instead of buying a coffee at work. With ball hockey twice a week and then hockey in Toronto, I need my muscles to start storing water so I don't get worn.

I had a great weekend this past weekend. Saturday was summer like. Drank in the park with Jimmy and Jon. Ate the best sandwiches this side of hell. There is this rumour going around my work that I am a weed dealer. It has been stressful. But once that is all sorted out I will tell you the story. Until then it is boring.

Men are so much easier to get along with then women. Even at work women go off the handle about things that are pretty irrational to get upset about. Even men get more easily upset when they are dating women then when they are single. We have to figure this problem out gentlemen.

Was it ever beautiful this weekend. Took full advantage of it as well. Was in this gay little doggy park with Jimmy and Bridgette for a while on Friday. Saturday I played hockey with the boys which we have been doing almost weekly lately. But other then work and watching the playoffs, I haven't been doing much. Happy belated 4:20 cock suckers! Yesterday was our bonus meeting at work. So there was an hour and a half of dead time from when I was finished work and this bonus meeting. So I went with a friend in produce and got high as shit before the meeting. It made it less long and bearable. Happy 10th anniversary columbine shooters as well. You did something memorable enough that we still talk about it ten years later on its anniversary. Dropping the atom bomb doesn't even get that kind of respect anymore. I have no clue on the dates of the Hiroshima and Nagasaki tragedies. All I know is it was somewhere around half past death.

There should be a fund set aside for every administration of government in the world solely for funding them getting blow jobs whenever they desire. I think there would be a lot more rationale in the world if all of us weren't holding back so much cum.

There is this one customer at work that smells so bad. Imagine someone taking a shit on a rotting fetus' corpse. That is the extent of how pleasant the smell is. Really hard to be polite and show good customer service when someone assaults your senses like that.

You don't see atheists strapping bombs to themselves and running into buildings. Fuck religion.

I found this old notebook of mine. Maybe six or seven years old with just random shit jotted down in it. So I am going to record it in here so I can throw it out. I don't even know if I wrote this stuff or if it was just quotes from shit that I like.

"You set off a riot in the maximum level security of my heart."

"I bought stake in a mace company just before society crumbled."

"The Noblest pleasure is the joy of understanding."

"Sometimes I think everything I want was everything I had."

"If gays want to be married and be miserable like the rest of us, we should let them."

"Sinister-Latin for left-handed."

"Fuck. I got a boner that just won't quit. Excuse me while I go to the bathroom and fire off some knuckle children."

"Karaoke: Japanese for empty orchestra."

"You make me feel more important than a dwarf surrounded by midgets."

Both of my evaluations were done at work this week. I got healthy raises in both my jobs. I love raises. I am doing the same amount of work for more money. I love the news in the morning. Just reading about this twenty one year old Massachusetts (sp?) kid killing two of his sisters. The cops walked into the house while he was in the middle of decapitating his sister and then he tried to kill his third sister when police shot him dead. Parents decided to bury their son with the two sisters he murdered. Interesting choice by the parents. But they are parents. So the most highly irrational being when it comes to there kids. The biological attachment makes you stupid. And people think I am disturbed because I am anti-religious and dress in black. Watch out for the normal looking, sister decapitating kids. They are more disturbed then I am apperently. I have been mulling over this dillemma in my life lately. A small one. But one that is very prominent on my mind. My Father is coming to do his testimony at my Grandmother's church. I think he is also going to sing and all this other bullshit.

My whole family is comin up. I mean everyone. And this big day is planned for May 24th. She has been guilting me into attending it. But the last thing I want to do is rehash the old days of going to church with my whole family. Those aren't pleasant memories by any stretch of the imagination. My Grandmother keeps telling me a little church won't kill me. No it won't. But it will ruin my day and probably affect my week. But I thought of a solution to my problem. Just don't tell my family. I am going to ask my boss to schedule me from ten to six that day. I was going to use the Dowdall's one year anniversary as an excuse. But then I realized that isn't usually an event where friends are involved. So I scrapped that rather quickly. It may sound like a small thing to you readers. But some of the worst memories in my life is church with the family. I can't think of a worse way to spend my weekend. And plus, I would just embarass them anyway. Because I'll be fucked if I dress up for it. I will come with raped women on my shirt and an upside down cross around my neck. If I have to go to church I generally do my best to make the spineless religious folk squirm a bit. Maybe I should go and handout pro-abortion tracks. Have an example on it like "When your faithful spiritual leader is diddling your daughters in counselling, how is he going to keep it from you and maintain your faith in trust in him as a path to god without abortion to cover up his seed busting in your daughters vag? Abortion. For the maintenence of faith."

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife,whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

Spring is being a fuckin' cock tease. I keep getting caught in the weather with just a hoody because I refuse to wear my winter coat anymore. It is spring damnit! I had a weekend of hockey and beer again. Hung out with my cousin who I hadn't seen in a while. She now lives in Toronto. Went to Nicole's and Mike's baby-bration. In a month there will be a tiny Dowdall. I won't know what to do with myself. Haha. I still don't want an overgrown abortion of my own, but I can appreciate others. Especially since it doesn't cost me money or take my sleep from me at night. Or knaw on my nipples like a trailblazer on beef jerky. I got some acid for a rainy day. Or a sunny day. It has been quite a long time since I have done it. Since it isn't very readily available by purchase, I got it even though I don't really feel like doing it at this point. But on some gorgeous day in the park this summer, I am sure it will be fitting for me to consume.

I had a fantastic weekend. It was beautiful and sunny. I had the whole weekend off which is a first since I went to Montreal for my birthday. Kris showed up into town for a few hours on Saturday. He was on his way to NYC. His timing was perfect because that was the first day we played hockey this year. So Mike, Jimmy, Kris and I went to the rink to play and there were already two full teams playing. But they let us join in. After they left we played our own games and drank beers. I also saw Jimmy read for the first time. it was about time. But he generally is always doing readings on weekdays. And I am pretty much never available then. Heard some douche trying to imitate Thom York singing about how much he hates his parents. His falsetto made my ears scream for mercy. So I just drank more wine.

Do you ever notice how women with braces are always showing a lot more cleavage then your normal girl? They are begging you to not look at there mouth, but to stare at their tits. Which I will gladly oblige.

I just calculated how many cigarettes roughly I have smoked in nine years of smoking. I figured about a pack a day is a good average. I have smoked more then a pack a day and less then a pack a day in my life. But to make sure it was fair I did the calculations by twenty packs. Not the twenty fives. so 9x365x20=65700. Wow. If cigarettes were women, I would be James Bond.

Misanthropy translated from the Greek literally means "hatred of mankind". I already have my masters in Misanthropy then. And I didn't spend a day in school.

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I am alive and well. Just growing bored of blogging. So I guess I get more irregular. Like an incontinent retiree.I was in Toronto this weekend. had a great time. Didn't get much sleep. Especially the first night. I got drunk and passed out at about four. But Kayla, Seb, Keith, and Dave were all up all night drinking and shit like mad. So I kept getting woken up by Seb and Keith fighting on top of me. And Seb would literally drag me into the room they were hanging out in and demand I wake up and party with them. Haha. Earlier in the night we had a ball off between Keith and I. Everyone always told us Keith had big balls. And all my friends who had seen mine also knew mine were large.. Anyways. I won. Barely. It was close. But I got pictures that I will put up later so you the reader can be the judge. I know all you blog readers are corn hole licking faggots and will probably enjoy it anyway.

Saturday Jimmy and I got steak and eggs at Fran's with Sophie and Colin. Afterwards we went to Sin & Redemption and had a pint from their impressive tap menu. Went back to Jimmy's. Watched Real Time with Bill Maher. And some Louis CK stand up which is fucking golden if you like him. You can see his shit on thecomedynetwork.ca right now. Afterwards we went up to Mike's and Nicole's to watch the hockey game with the wonder couple. Only a little over a month until there is a little Dowd. I am pretty fucking pumped let me tell you. To you overly defensive, easily offended people in my life. Relax. That is how I am.

P.S. This is a bud of cush that is a quarter. It is gorgeous. So I had to take a picture of it. This shit is primo too.

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Sometimes I would like to go somewhere where I don't know a single soul. Just so I have to meet new people. I don't meet new people that often. Because I have the people that I already know, and I figure most of the people I would meet that aren't them aren't half as interesting. Contrary to popular opinion, most human beings are incredibly boring and annoying. Also petty and fickle. Emotional sand traps if you will. But I figure there are more incredible people out there. It would just take some actual work to find them. And I am not going to put that work in unless I am away from all the great people I already know.

When I am happy and satisfied in my life, it is really noticeable when I talk to people from my past and they aren't happy. I am in a place where only cops and cancer affect my mood. Otherwise my mood is pretty consistent. Or I should say "moods". I carry many with me at once.

I want another tattoo. Tomorrow.